Wonder 9- Capable
Last year, one of the biggest factors in my gradual spiral out was the never-ending, panic-inducing college application process. Nothing in all my life has ever made me feel less like myself while trying to summarize my entire existence, all that I had worked towards in a few, limiting pages. Nothing in all my life has ever made me feel so incapable.
And now, as I am working through the process once more, I have had to face the demons I tried to leave face to face. When I begun, I swore to myself that this time around I would right all the wrongs; everyplace I fell short, I would rise above; every regret, I would turn into resolution. Yet saying it and doing are two utterly different things. Perhaps that's been the most challenging part: getting out of my head. In my mind I can hear all the doubts screaming louder and louder. I begin to doubt myself, I begin to doubt my work, and I begin to doubt that I am capable. Everything is just out of my reach, just beyond that impenetrable wall. It's as if I have spent all this time, years of my life creating a key that unlocks the door to conventional success, fulfillment, and happiness. And just as I went to use my key, it broke in the lock. And I was left outside, in the cold.
So next comes the unconventional.
You find a window, and pull yourself though, bit by bit, piece by piece. There's no room to take all the things that weighed you down: fear, anxiety, expectations, doubt, incapability. And when you make it through there you are: whole, once more.
That's what this year has been for me- window after window, unconventional after unconventional. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
Currently I am in London, on my own for the first time in my life. With nothing but a city atlas as my guide, this city is mine for the taking. And in this I found a contradictory parallel to the application process. Here, the capability required of me fights back in violent protest to the incapability I feel. It echoes in my mind, louder and louder until it's a thunderous roar overtaking the doubts.
As I walk through the city, I hear it: I am capable. As I navigate my day to day I hear it: I am capable. As I sit in a coffee shop, watching people come and go, ebb and flow in their city, I can hear it: I am capable.
And so I open the application, and begin once more to write my story: I am capable.